The theme song is a lost art. Hitting it’s prime in the 80s on everything from sitcoms to cartoons, they pretty much dropped off the face of the earth after climaxing in the early 90s. I say we bring them back. Starting with this theme song for Lost:
But before we get too carried away, we must do some research. Without further ado, I give you the top 5 greatest cartoon theme songs of all time:
5 – GI Joe
If the Cold War brought us anything worthwhile, it was high-quality entertainment. With movies like Red Dawn and Rocky IV, the action genre has never been as good as when we fought the Russians. But all this pro-America propaganda had to reach our children somehow, and thus GI Joe was born. An elite group of American soldiers on a mission to rid the world of terrorist organizations, GI Joe is the epitome of American ideals. And what better way to instill those American ideals than with a catchy theme song. Wherever there’s a list of the great cartoon theme songs, “GI Joe is there.” Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
4 – The Super Mario Bros. Super Show
The early 90s will forever be remembered for bringing two things into the homes of white middle-class families across America, video games and rap music. The Super Mario Brothers Super Show accomplished both feats in less than a minute of air time. I’m surprised it took producers as long as it did. When you think about it, rap was used in just about every marketing scheme possible in the early 90s, from anti-piracy to Dragnet, so why not use it in the second best video game marketing scheme of the era (second only to the classic Fred Savage flick, Wizard). Seriously, the first thing I wanted to do after watching this show was play me some Mario Bros. and rap while doing it. Screw books and musical prowess, give our children more video games and simple beats and rhymes.
3 – Animaniacs
Animaniacs is quite possibly the most intelligent children’s cartoon ever produced. The jokes and stories had levels I’m only recently beginning to uncover. It was entertaining for kids and adults alike, politically relevant, and as timely as any other social commentary of the age. It was revolutionary in its approach to afternoon children’s entertainment. Plus, it brought us Pinky and the Brain, a cartoon whose theme song only narrowly missed this list. It taught a nation of children the names of the states, their capitals, how to tell a good idea from a bad idea, and even classical music. The only reason their theme song isn’t any higher is because it’s so complex, it’s hard to remember.
2 – DuckTales
I only wanted to pick one cartoon from the Disney Afternoon, and it was between DuckTales and Chip N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers. DuckTales won out of pure popularity. Ask anyone approaching 30 to sing you the theme song and I guarantee you at least 80% of them will belt it out with a smile. What kid doesn’t dream of swimming daily in a giant silo full of gold coins. Scrooge McDuck is Donald Trump times 53. He could single-handedly bail out the entire world with his riches. Where is he when you need him. I hope he drowns in his pool of riches … sorry, that took a nasty turn. I blame the terrorists. Call GI Joe.
1 – Captain Planet
Man, this show was horrible. A bunch of kids scattered across the world find rings that give them control over the elements, that when combined create some strange blue creature on a mission to save to rid the world of eco-terrorists. What kind of perma-baked hippy came up with that story line? And how come the guy with the heart ring never got the girls? He was always hanging out with fuzzy animals. What kind of message is that? Guys with big hearts are destined to be alone with a house full of cats? Okay, maybe it was pretty accurate after all. Really, this show’s only saving grace was its theme song, which played during the closing credits. The fact that kids would watch 30 minutes of hippy, tree-hugging propaganda just to hear the awesome theme song is why I put it at the top of this list … and why I have such a low tolerance for litterbugs. They’re destroying our planet with their carelessness!
Another recycle, but at least this one’s topical. I promise I’m collecting ideas for new ones. They’ve just all sucked so far. I do take requests!
Superbowl Sunday is a special day in the Stay household. It’s a day when the family comes together, united by a single program, to share in the joy that can only come from watching football. No longer is it just Dad and the boys. On Superbowl Sunday, even Mom comes out, anxious to see the latest developments in Superbowl advertising. But none of this would be what it is without the amazing assortment of snacks at our fingertips. This week in Top 5:
The Top 5 Superbowl Snacks
5. Henry Weinhard’s Vanilla Cream Soda – Technically not a snack, but I am including it anyways because it’s such a tasty treat. Every Superbowl event needs a good beverage to wash down the salty goodness of the other snacks and there is no finer beverage than this. It’s sweet, but not too sweet, foamy, and comes in a glass bottle, the way soda was meant to be; soda and ant farms. Can’t forget ant farms. Did you know there’s a species of ants that survives completely on plastic? I didn’t either. Puggles was never the same after that day … I can still hear her yelping … and the twitching … oh, the twitching …
4. Chips and Dip – The type of chip and type of dip is irrelevant. What matters most is the variety of dips present. You’ve got your salsa with cream cheese, your spicy queso dip, your bean dip, and your fresh pico de gallo. The job isn’t done right unless your dipping hand is sore the next day and your shirt looks like it was tie dyed in a vat of seven layer.
3. Buffalo Wings – No sporting event is complete without the accompanying buffallo wings. The spicier the better, this is no sport for the weak. This is the Superbowl, the culmination of a season of work, sweat, and blood, the wings must be a tribute to this, and it doesn’t hurt to smother them in any of the preceding ingredients. Just don’t forget the bleu cheese dipping sauce.
2. Jalapeno Poppers – They’re fried, they’re spicy, and they’re full of cheese. What more could you ask for in a snack? Forget the cheddar cheese poppers you find most commonly these days, the only true popper is the cream cheese popper. I like my poppers like I like my women: hot, deep fried, and filled with cream cheese … errr …
1. Summer Sausage – There is nothing more manly than a huge log of processed meat. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t even slice this up. It would never leave my hand and I’d gnaw on it little by little through the entire game, leaving my teeth full of processed meat fibers to enjoy for the rest of the month. Abandoned kittens would flock to me to feast on the meat fibers lodged firmly in between my teeth. I could feed small nations. I would become a legend. Eat a sausage, save the world.
I’m recycling again, partly because I’m in LA this week, but mostly because I’m lazy. So, apologies if you’ve read these before, but I actually liked this one, so screw you, I don’t care. I take back my apology. I don’t care what you think.
Hey, where are you going? I didn’t mean it. I’ll be better, I promise. Just don’t tell my mom, okay? She’ll take away my video game privileges. Then what will I do for fun? Think of new Top 5s? No thank you.
Here they are, bow before the 7 essential vitamins in every serving.
5. Cookie Crisp – This cereal is very simple. Cookies + milk = delicious. I don’t know why it took so long for people to come up with this. What, kids aren’t eating breakfast? Whatever will we do? Why are you dunking that cookie in milk? Let me try that … Eureka! It’s like the first guy to ever match peanut butter with jelly. It was just meant to be.
4. Cocoa Puffs – This is by far the best of the Cocoa cereals. Cocoa Krispies just turn to mush. Cocoa Pebbles are only slightly better. Cocoa Puffs, on the other hand, have just the right consistency to be both long lasting and great tasting. And as an added bonus you get a bowl full of perfectly mixed chocolate milk after every serving. Who doesn’t like chocolate milk? Communists, Nazis, and Terrorists, that’s who.
3. Oops! All Berries – Again, why it took so long to come up with this cereal is beyond me. All they did was take Crunch Berries, which are delicious despite the risk of cutting your mouth open, and remove the risky little yellow things that do all the slicing, leaving only the delicious fruity little balls and no more sharp edges. Who can say no to delicious fruity little balls? Screw the Cap’n, bring back the berries.
2. Chocolate Lucky Charms – This cereal is like crack-cocaine in a cereal bowl topped with milk. Screw coffee, if you want a quick shot of energy to get you going in the morning, pour yourself a bowl of these tasty nuggets. Don’t like the oats in Lucky Charms? That’s okay, we made them chocolate, thus doubling the sugar. It’s 3 straight shots of sugar in every bowl. First you eat the chocolate oats, then you eat the marshmallows, then, BAM, you top things off with a few gulps of delicious chocolate milk mixed to perfection by your own little chocolate Leprechaun. I get the shakes just thinking about it. Do they have methadone clinics for cereal addicts?
1. Reese’s Puffs – This is the cereal sent down to us by the breakfast gods. Like Cocoa Puffs? Good. Like Peanut Butter Crunch? Me too. What’s that you say? You want to mix them together and add the delicious peanut buttery goodness of a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup? Where do I sign? Yeah, the milk is a little nasty by the end, but here’s a little trick, just reuse it a couple times and by the end of your 3rd bowl of these tasty little puffs of heaven, you’ll be in such bliss that you would suck that milk out of your own dirty gym shoe. Now that’s a complete breakfast.
I decided I’m going to bring back the Top 5, but start by recycling some old top 5s because I’m lazy and I’m not sure anyone read those anyway. At any rate, standard top 5 practices apply, leave your own top 5 in the comments if you wish (log in with your Facebook account, it’s fun!).
Top 5 80s Butt Rock Songs
The 80s were a special time. Everything was shiny, fluorescent, and fake, except for the economy and rock took a drastic leap into the glam. Call it hair bands, butt rock, or glam rock, that music will always hold a special place in my heart.
5. Rocket – Def Leppard: I didn’t find out until a few years ago that what they were saying was “Satellite of Love,” but when I did, this song instantly made it to the list. I’ve been calling myself the Satellite of Love around the house ever since. How’s that for a mental image? Did I mention their drummer lost his arm and kept right on drumming? Also, I drove them around Mandalay Bay in a 15-passenger van during Rock Honors. Yes, I am that cool.
4. Runaway – Bon Jovi: You can’t have a Butt Rock Top 5 without Bon Jovi, it just wouldn’t be right. This is my favorite, mostly because it personifies the Bon Jovi image so well. I especially love the long keyboard intro that progresses steadily into more and more butt rock. I challenge you to play this song while driving in the car or playing any racing video game. It will blow your mind.
3. Big City Nights – Scorpions: No one does glam like the Germans, and these Germans do it best. This song always reminds me of Las Vegas, the capital of glitz, glam, and flash. If there was ever a place for hair bands to thrive in the modern era, it would be Las Vegas. In fact, I think I may have seen a few walking the strip and I’m pretty sure I work with a couple of hair bands. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were actual members of the Scorpions.
2. Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison: If there was one thing 80s rock did right, it would be the rock ballad. And Poison did a mean rock ballad. There’s nothing quite like soft, melodic singing accompanied by sporadic hard guitar riffs. Even the title of this song is perfect. What’s the first thing you think of when you hear rose and thorn? Love? This is the 80s my friend, I’m thinking Poison.
1. Sweet Child of Mine – Guns N’ Roses: Axl Rose is the very embodiment of the 80s. Crazy hair, crazy clothes, and just plain wacko, and man could he wail out some falsetto. Throw in a top hat wearing, long-haired guitar legend (who I also drove around in a van … I know … yes, you can touch me. He’s actually very nice. He got in with Scott Ian and Gilby Clarke, said hello upon entering, sat in the back, and said thank you upon exiting), and you’ve got THE 80s hair band. Screw Paradise City. Sweet Child of Mine is a far superior song with a far superior intro and I’m all about the intro. Just ask the ladies … I mean … what?
I used to do a regular post on Facebook and Myspace back in the day called Top 5. I ran out of ideas and people seemed relatively uninterested, so I stopped doing it. Crystal wanted me to bring it back and her and Cara’s posts on irrational fears seemed like a good opportunity to get it going again. So I’m bringing back the Top 5. I’m going to try and do it weekly, but you know me, so no guarantees. Without further ado, my top 5 irrational fears:
5. Barking Dogs Chasing Me – I’ve pretty much grown out of this one, but as a child, dogs used to scare me to death. I’m not saying a huge pit bull barreling toward me, frothing at the mouth wouldn’t send me diving over a fence, but dogs and I seem to have come to some sort of truce. They don’t chase me and I don’t run. But when I was a young lad, I remember playing in a park in Provo while visiting my Grandpa when a dog came charging at me. Now the dog was probably a Labrador at the largest, but I was a late bloomer and must’ve been all of 7 at the time, so he was probably twice my size (I say he because I don’t think I took the time to notice the sex of the dog as it came at me with the clear intention to devour me whole and a male dog just seems so much more menacing to me, unless maybe it was female and I had insulted her kids or eaten the last of the chocolate or something (I’m going to be in big trouble when MegRuth reads this … on second thought, lets make it a female dog, that seems a lot more threatening to me at this point)). So I noticed the dog charging at me full speed and I took off as fast as my little legs could carry me. I must have run the full circumference of the park, but she did not so much as break her stride. Her eyes were fixed on me every time I looked back. Then, suddenly, I tripped. I remember thinking as I went down that I was done for and everything slipped into slow motion as my life flashed before my eyes. The dog showed no mercy. She didn’t slow down a bit. The next thing I knew, she ran right over me. As I got up to nurse my wounds, she came back for seconds. I brushed myself off and she started licking my face. I don’t remember who was with me, but I do remember them rolling on the floor laughing at me.
Then there was the time I was chased around Tyler’s living room by their Miniature Schnauzer, but we won’t go into that one.
4. The “Guy in the Back Seat” Urban Legend – As ridiculous as I know this one is, every time I’m driving alone at night, I catch myself checking the back seat of my car for any possible intruders. I don’t know what I expect to find other than 3-month-old Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but I’ll be driving along and the thought will just pop in my head. No matter how hard I try, I can’t dismiss it. I have to check the back seat. One of these days though, it’s going to save my life. I assure you. Either that or some angry dog is going to jump out and chase me around the block.
3. Uncovered Windows at Night – I don’t know what it is about this, but it creeps me out. I’m not scared of the dark. I’m not scared of the outdoors. I’m not scared of the woods, but for some reason, when I’m inside, I can’t stand seeing the dark outside. Maybe it has to do with people being able to see in, but me not being able to see out. I don’t know, but I don’t even like leaving windows open at night with the blinds closed. I’m scared someone’s going to break in or something. Or if there’s no screen? Forget about it! Think of all the strange bugs that could crawl inside and end up in my mouth for me to swallow while I’m sleeping. No thanks. I’m on a strict, no-insect diet. Crickets make me break out.
2. The Deep Sea – Don’t get me wrong, I love the ocean. I love going to the beach. I love boogey boarding and body surfing. Someday I want to learn to surf. I’ve been parasailing and jetskiing, scuba diving and snorkeling, I’ve even been to Bali. But if I find myself swimming too far past the break, I start getting the willies, especially if I turn around and put the beach behind me. Something about that huge mass of dark unknown makes me feel like I could be swallowed up at any second. It reminds me of the Nothing from The Neverending Story.
“They seem like such big, strong hands, don’t they?” – then BAM, dead, swallowed up by the Nothing. No thank you. Not for me.
1. Ants – Just a little background on this one, I grew up in Houston, TX where a little species of ants called Fire Ants abound. I am highly allergic to the bites of these ants. One strategically placed bite and my whole foot could swell up; and it doesn’t just itch, it throbs, so there’s no easing your pain with a little scratch, you still feel the pain. There were many occasions where we’d be outside playing baseball or soccer or lighting things on fire and suddenly I’d feel a million little stings on my leg all at once. I’d look down and sure enough, my leg would be swarming with Fire Ants, biting down on my flesh with all their amazing might. I had just stepped into a Fire Ant mound, and they were defending their castle. Don’t worry, I declared war very early on, devoting my young life to the outright destruction of these mounds. If it were up to me, these ants would be extinct, and I feel like I got pretty close during my stay in Texas (get it, Stay in Texas? I’m a riot): I launched bottle rockets from them, loaded them with M-60s, doused them in WD-40 and lit them on fire, imagine a hate crime and I inflicted it on these vicious killers. But war does not come without its scars, and now I can’t see a swarm of ants without getting the willies, even if it’s on TV. The ant scene in the latest Indiana Jones was possibly the scariest moment in movie history for me, and it has nothing to do with the CGI.
So there you go. Feel free to leave your own top 5 in the comments, just like the old days.
5. Deal or No Deal – This entire show is built solely around the wonder and suspense of opening boxes under a bunch of flashy lights and somehow it has millions of viewers. I don’t get it. Meanwhile, Howie Mandel, fresh of the amazing success of Bobby’s World, teases the viewers before every commercial and now every game show this side of The Price is Right is following in his footsteps like some mangy mutt chasing the garbage man. “What’s in this box? … We’ll find out, after this.” Oh, Howie, you got me again.
4. Mad TV – Mad TV is like the redheaded cousin of the half sister of the stepchild of Saturday Night Live. With one difference, this one deserves its beating. I can’t stand any show that uses a laugh track, but this one earns a special spot on this list because it’s been on for about 18 years too long. Oh look, there’s a grown man acting like a two-year-old. Hilarious! Seriously, who writes these skits? My little sister came up with better material at her 5th grade talent show. Of course, these are the guys that go on to star in such comic gems as Soul Plane, or Scary Movie 23.5. We get it already, Michael Jackson likes little boys. Hilarious and timely.
3. American Idol – This show’s been on for about 23 years now, it’s still the show to beat in the ratings, and they haven’t changed one thing since its inception, including the excuses all the guys give their boys who make fun of them for watching the show that spawned such media masterpieces as Dancing with the Stars and America’s Next Top Model. “I just like the part where Simon makes fun of the people that can’t sing.” You’re right, that was funny the first time I saw it, but now we’re on take 432 and he’s making fun of the same fat greasy-haired emo fan that he was in season 2. How many ways can you tell people they suck? Like the kid who licks the Tootsie Roll Pop all the way to the center, Simon’s going to find out.. Just bite the thing and get it over with already. The only reason to watch this show anymore is to see Ryan Seacrest spiral downward into a sea of self-loathing every time he spikes his hair and smiles as Simon slanders him incessantly for being a spineless stooge. What’s going to happen this season? Let me venture a guess. It’ll come down to the final 2, but the favorite will barely edge out number 2 and they’ll both launch a music career that everyone will forget about by the next season. In the end, Reality TV will be responsible for the downfall of modern civilization and Simon Cowell will be at the wheel.
2. SpongeBob Squarepants – Remember when I said Reality TV would be the downfall of modern civilization? I lied. SpongeBob Squarepants is much more powerful than Simon Cowell will ever be. He’s got an army of mindless minions that stretch from the age of 2 to the age of 52. I was at a hockey game the other night and they played the theme song during a lull, I was easily the only one in the entire arena not shouting along with glee. Parents, kids, grandparents, cousins, and even a couple seeing-eye dogs that hadn’t cheered after a single goal were shouting at the top of their lungs at the command of some animated sea captain. It was scary. People wonder why so many Americans are diagnosed with ADD before the age of 3, but they don’t hesitate to plant their little brats in front of the TV for 30 minutes a day to watch the seizure inducing, plot-less wonder that is SpongeBob Squarepants. I tried to watch a full episode a couple of times, but it gave me such a headache I was bedridden for a week. What happened to the days when life was like a mystery, or when sometimes some crimes went slipping through the cracks, or when Rafael was cool but rude and Michelangelo was a party dude? When was the last time a cartoon taught kids anything other than blind obedience to a faceless sea captain? I fear for America’s future.
1. CSI – This show is so successful it’s got like 3 spin-offs and its own cereal. I have watched this show like 8 times and have yet to be unable to solve the case within the first 10 minutes. There’s about 3 different formulas they cycle through as they search for the killers, but then they try to disguise this fact with a bunch of cheesy special effects where they go inside bullet wounds and follow gerbils as they make their way through the small intestine. Meanwhile, Bruckheimer’s got his trusty band of strings and horns tugging at the heartstrings of housewives across the nation as they watch Nick Stokes and his crack team of Crime Scene masterminds uncover the dastardly deeds of abusive husbands and serial rapists. I hired my own crack team to investigate the rampant stupidity in modern High Schools and they followed a gerbil all the way back to this show. I hate this show because it makes stupid people think they’re smart. “I knew it was him the whole time!” Yeah, way to go Sherlock, I said the same thing when Scooby Doo led those darn kids to the old mill. Retarded.
We’ve read about them in books, we’ve watched them in movies, we may have even drawn a few in our classroom doodles, but none of them exist. They’re magical, they’re mystical, they’re mysterious, and often feared. They’ve been the goal of many conquests and the subject of many artists. They are the creatures from ancient folklore and modern day myth. If I had my own personal Genie, these are the ones I would wish to life:
The Genie – Without him, none of this would be possible. Everyone’s thought of what 3 wishes they would make if they had Aladdin’s lamp. I don’t even care about the wishes. How cool would it be just to have a genie friend? I’m talking Robin Williams from one of the greatest Disney movies of all time, or that girl from I Dream of Jeannie, she was hot! Actually, come to think of it, I just want to be Aladdin. He’s got a super monkey thief for a best friend, a flying carpet, a Genie, and a hot princess girlfriend that wants nothing to do with the pomp and circumstance of being a princess. It’s every guy’s dream.
The Dragon – I’ve wanted a dragon since before I even knew what they were. They’re basically flying lizards that can breathe fire. How cool are lizards? I’ll tell you how cool … very. I used to catch them in my yard in Texas and keep them in jars, hoping some day they would sprout wings and start breathing fire. It never happened, but the search continues. Mine would tell jokes like the Luck Dragon from Never-Ending Story, but mine would look less like a dog and I wouldn’t scream like a girl while I chased bullies into dumpsters. I would need to get a sword though, because you can’t ride a dragon without a sword. That’s just not cool.
The Gargoyle – Remember that old cartoon they played as part of the Disney Afternoon? I want one of those guys. Or even one of those Gummi Bears with their gummi beary juice. I’d settle for just going to their gummi beary land with that cool irrigation and those castles and such. How cool would it be to live in a castle with running water … with your own personal gargoyle bodyguard … and tubs full of gummi beary juice? Do you know the street value of pure unadulterated gummi beary juice? We could make millions! MILLIONS!
The Pegasus – Screw Unicorns with their fancy horns and magical healing powers, I want my horse to fly. Nothing says cool like riding a white horse into a battle, across a ravine, or into the sunset. Now imagine that same horse can fly. How much cooler is that?! It’s like taking Clint Eastwood from all those westerns where he saves the girl from the evil outlaws and crossing him with Tom Cruise from Top Gun. I love the rush you get from riding a galloping horse, cross that with the rush of flying and I’m in heaven. Sure there’s stories of Pegasi with horns, they call them alicorns supposedly, but come on, winged Unicorns? That’s just going too far.
The Leprechaun – I’m not talking about the scary leprechauns from those movies. I’m talking about the old fashioned mischievous Irish leprechauns, the ones that are quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke, but there’s someplace that they’d rather be. I’m singing la da, diddy da da, la daaa, diddy daaa da … sorry. Forget about the gold, you could just sit for hours and watch the leprechaun get drunk and curse at the tv until he passed out in a pool of his own leprechaun vomit. Then you could get him his own little leprechaun camera crew to follow him around for his own little leprechaun reality show on MTV which would be cancelled after 2 seasons when he accidentally dropped a pot of gold on a magical unicorn, then brutally stabbed it repeatedly with its own horn until it stopped screaming and he’s forced into rehab by the United Order of All Leprechaun Proceedings (UOALP for short. It’s a very secretive and highly respected organization. I could get blacklisted for even writing their name. Forget I said anything). Plus, if leprechauns are real, then rainbows are more than just refracted light, and that opens the door to many more mystical creatures like Care Bears and Rainbow Brite. She was hot. You broke my heart, Rainbow Brite. You broke my heart.
Apparently, some dentist from New Orleans named Levi Spear Parmly invented floss way back in 1815. This means that dentists are still recommending technology that’s more than 200 years old. For more than 200 years, we have been cramming thin strands of fabric between our teeth to pick out that last piece of beef jerky we ate 2 days ago. 200 years! That’s ridiculous! It’s not like people are so fond of flossing they can’t let it go. No one likes to floss. Wikipedia says that only 12% of Americans floss daily, 39% floss less than daily, and 9% do not floss at all. It’s time for a change. People’s teeth are at stake. My teeth are at stake. I hate flossing, I don’t care what kind of contraption they’ve got it strung through. My time is way too precious to spend an extra 5 minutes rubbing wax-covered string between my teeth. That’s time that could be spent complaining about floss.
4. A Flying Car
Now, I know that Moller International is developing a Skycar that’s supposedly almost ready for consumers, but according to every Sci-Fi book I’ve read and every Sci-Fi movie I’ve seen, we were supposed to be flying above the streets long before the new millennium. Where’s my Jetsons car that folds into a briefcase? Where’s my Star Wars land speeder? Where’s my flying Delorean? The Automobile was invented way back in 1885. That thing should be in the air by now. I don’t care what the price of gas is. I don’t care that some people still can’t even drive right on the street. I want my flying car and I want it now!
3. A Holodeck
This is where the geek in me starts to come out. In Star Trek, the holodeck is the room where people go to leave the ship without actually leaving the ship. They can go back to some point in history. They can go to some fictional universe from a book. They can go anywhere in the world. It’s a lot like the combat simulator shown in X-Men 3 (Wow, Star Trek to comic books. I have just run the full gamut of geekdom. Then, to top it off, I use the word “gamut” in a sentence. I have officially crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed. I will now retire to the nerdery to consult with my fellow nerds). Imagine, you’ve got a 3-day weekend and have been jonesing for a fresh Philly cheesesteak, but you live in communist China. Rather than spend your entire 3-day weekend jumping through hoops just to get over to America, you could just hop in the nearest holodeck and be in Philadelphia exactly 2.3 seconds later. That is of course if communist China actually allows this amazing “Western” technology to cross their borders. I actually know pretty much nothing about communist China, except that it’s communist, and James Bond hates communists, so I have to hate communists too because some American movie about a British secret agent told me to. I love America! Now where’s my holodeck?
2. Teleporters
I hate moving. I hate driving for hours. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good road trip, but nothing sucks worse than having to drive 10 hours through a desert with nothing to keep you company but a bag of Skittles. Except maybe cancer, or the HIV, or devoting your life to hunting crocodiles and other deadly animals only to get stabbed through the heart by a stingray. That would really suck. Let’s have a moment of silence for the great Steve Irwin … Okay, where was I, oh yes, Skittles. Skittles are by far the greatest conversationalists of the candy world. I have done extensive testing on this subject and challenge anyone to dispute my findings. Let me just take a moment to tell you about the greatest development in confectioneries of the last 15 years. Smoothie Mix Skittles were sent down to us by the very hand of the Candy Gods. So yeah, teleporters … let’s get on that.
1. Those Seashell Things From Demolition Man
Can someone please tell me why we are still using thin sheets of paper to wipe our own feces from our respective posteriors? I can think of maybe 2 things more unsanitary than the post-duke process, and one of them involves a Yak and a graham cracker. Trust me, it’s not pretty. Seriously though, can we get some crack team of sanitation scientists to figure out some way to keep our hands as far from our respective cracks as possible? And while we’re at it, lets get some R & D on the whole dingleberry/cling-on predicament. Why do these companies even make toilet paper that falls apart on you? Sure it’s soft, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST? (You can’t see it, but I am shaking my fist in the air at the very moment that I am writing this. It’s really quite powerful. Very moving.)
Subscribe in a reader