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The Top 5 Inventions That Should Have Been … uh … Invented by Now

5. A Way to Floss Without Actually Flossing

Apparently, some dentist from New Orleans named Levi Spear Parmly invented floss way back in 1815. This means that dentists are still recommending technology that’s more than 200 years old. For more than 200 years, we have been cramming thin strands of fabric between our teeth to pick out that last piece of beef jerky we ate 2 days ago. 200 years! That’s ridiculous! It’s not like people are so fond of flossing they can’t let it go. No one likes to floss. Wikipedia says that only 12% of Americans floss daily, 39% floss less than daily, and 9% do not floss at all. It’s time for a change. People’s teeth are at stake. My teeth are at stake. I hate flossing, I don’t care what kind of contraption they’ve got it strung through. My time is way too precious to spend an extra 5 minutes rubbing wax-covered string between my teeth. That’s time that could be spent complaining about floss.

4. A Flying Car

Now, I know that Moller International is developing a Skycar that’s supposedly almost ready for consumers, but according to every Sci-Fi book I’ve read and every Sci-Fi movie I’ve seen, we were supposed to be flying above the streets long before the new millennium. Where’s my Jetsons car that folds into a briefcase? Where’s my Star Wars land speeder? Where’s my flying Delorean? The Automobile was invented way back in 1885. That thing should be in the air by now. I don’t care what the price of gas is. I don’t care that some people still can’t even drive right on the street. I want my flying car and I want it now!

3. A Holodeck

This is where the geek in me starts to come out. In Star Trek, the holodeck is the room where people go to leave the ship without actually leaving the ship. They can go back to some point in history. They can go to some fictional universe from a book. They can go anywhere in the world. It’s a lot like the combat simulator shown in X-Men 3 (Wow, Star Trek to comic books. I have just run the full gamut of geekdom. Then, to top it off, I use the word “gamut” in a sentence. I have officially crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed. I will now retire to the nerdery to consult with my fellow nerds). Imagine, you’ve got a 3-day weekend and have been jonesing for a fresh Philly cheesesteak, but you live in communist China. Rather than spend your entire 3-day weekend jumping through hoops just to get over to America, you could just hop in the nearest holodeck and be in Philadelphia exactly 2.3 seconds later. That is of course if communist China actually allows this amazing “Western” technology to cross their borders. I actually know pretty much nothing about communist China, except that it’s communist, and James Bond hates communists, so I have to hate communists too because some American movie about a British secret agent told me to. I love America! Now where’s my holodeck?

2. Teleporters

I hate moving. I hate driving for hours. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good road trip, but nothing sucks worse than having to drive 10 hours through a desert with nothing to keep you company but a bag of Skittles. Except maybe cancer, or the HIV, or devoting your life to hunting crocodiles and other deadly animals only to get stabbed through the heart by a stingray. That would really suck. Let’s have a moment of silence for the great Steve Irwin … Okay, where was I, oh yes, Skittles. Skittles are by far the greatest conversationalists of the candy world. I have done extensive testing on this subject and challenge anyone to dispute my findings. Let me just take a moment to tell you about the greatest development in confectioneries of the last 15 years. Smoothie Mix Skittles were sent down to us by the very hand of the Candy Gods. So yeah, teleporters … let’s get on that.

1. Those Seashell Things From Demolition Man

Can someone please tell me why we are still using thin sheets of paper to wipe our own feces from our respective posteriors? I can think of maybe 2 things more unsanitary than the post-duke process, and one of them involves a Yak and a graham cracker. Trust me, it’s not pretty. Seriously though, can we get some crack team of sanitation scientists to figure out some way to keep our hands as far from our respective cracks as possible? And while we’re at it, lets get some R & D on the whole dingleberry/cling-on predicament. Why do these companies even make toilet paper that falls apart on you? Sure it’s soft, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST? (You can’t see it, but I am shaking my fist in the air at the very moment that I am writing this. It’s really quite powerful. Very moving.)