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Top 5 – Greatest Cereals of All Time

I’m recycling again, partly because I’m in LA this week, but mostly because I’m lazy. So, apologies if you’ve read these before, but I actually liked this one, so screw you, I don’t care. I take back my apology. I don’t care what you think.

Hey, where are you going? I didn’t mean it. I’ll be better, I promise. Just don’t tell my mom, okay? She’ll take away my video game privileges. Then what will I do for fun? Think of new Top 5s? No thank you.

Here they are, bow before the 7 essential vitamins in every serving.

5. Cookie Crisp – This cereal is very simple. Cookies + milk = delicious. I don’t know why it took so long for people to come up with this. What, kids aren’t eating breakfast? Whatever will we do? Why are you dunking that cookie in milk? Let me try that … Eureka! It’s like the first guy to ever match peanut butter with jelly. It was just meant to be.

4. Cocoa Puffs – This is by far the best of the Cocoa cereals. Cocoa Krispies just turn to mush. Cocoa Pebbles are only slightly better. Cocoa Puffs, on the other hand, have just the right consistency to be both long lasting and great tasting. And as an added bonus you get a bowl full of perfectly mixed chocolate milk after every serving. Who doesn’t like chocolate milk? Communists, Nazis, and Terrorists, that’s who.

3. Oops! All Berries – Again, why it took so long to come up with this cereal is beyond me. All they did was take Crunch Berries, which are delicious despite the risk of cutting your mouth open, and remove the risky little yellow things that do all the slicing, leaving only the delicious fruity little balls and no more sharp edges. Who can say no to delicious fruity little balls? Screw the Cap’n, bring back the berries.

2. Chocolate Lucky Charms – This cereal is like crack-cocaine in a cereal bowl topped with milk. Screw coffee, if you want a quick shot of energy to get you going in the morning, pour yourself a bowl of these tasty nuggets. Don’t like the oats in Lucky Charms? That’s okay, we made them chocolate, thus doubling the sugar. It’s 3 straight shots of sugar in every bowl. First you eat the chocolate oats, then you eat the marshmallows, then, BAM, you top things off with a few gulps of delicious chocolate milk mixed to perfection by your own little chocolate Leprechaun. I get the shakes just thinking about it. Do they have methadone clinics for cereal addicts?

1. Reese’s Puffs – This is the cereal sent down to us by the breakfast gods. Like Cocoa Puffs? Good. Like Peanut Butter Crunch? Me too. What’s that you say? You want to mix them together and add the delicious peanut buttery goodness of a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup? Where do I sign? Yeah, the milk is a little nasty by the end, but here’s a little trick, just reuse it a couple times and by the end of your 3rd bowl of these tasty little puffs of heaven, you’ll be in such bliss that you would suck that milk out of your own dirty gym shoe. Now that’s a complete breakfast.

  • I don't like any of these cereals. I banish you to no video games for such appalling choices!

    TRUE Top 5 cereals:

    Life
    Wheat Chex
    Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats
    Total
    Cracklin' Oat Bran

    Clearly I'm less inclined to sugar than some people.

  • I don't like any of these cereals. I banish you to no video games for such appalling choices!

    TRUE Top 5 cereals:

    Life
    Wheat Chex
    Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats
    Total
    Cracklin' Oat Bran

    Clearly I'm less inclined to sugar than some people.

  • Who wants a cereal that's good for you? I like to start my day off with a mouthful of tooth decay. If it doesn't kill me in the morning, it will only make me stronger throughout the day.

  • Who wants a cereal that's good for you? I like to start my day off with a mouthful of tooth decay. If it doesn't kill me in the morning, it will only make me stronger throughout the day.

  • Facebook User

    Who wants a cereal that's good for you? I like to start my day off with a mouthful of tooth decay. If it doesn't kill me in the morning, it will only make me stronger throughout the day.