Spring is here, which means the networks have crunched the numbers, analyzed the data, and shed the empty calories of failed Fall programs … for the most part. There aren’t a whole lot of new shows starting this Spring, so I’m going to tell you both what to watch for and what you should already be watching, because as witnessed by the fact that Two and a Half Men is consistently the top-rated sitcom, America has no idea how to watch TV.
New Shows:
Human Target (Fox) – Apparently based on a DC Comic and an old series on ABC, this show stars Mark Valley (Fringe) as some sort of elite bodyguard who lives on the edge. Expect high-paced action and plenty of gun-play, this is Fox after all. Should be some good dumb fun. Premieres Jan 17
Life Unexpected (CW) – It’s a “Dramedy” on the CW. Not interested. Premieres Jan 18
The Deep End (ABC) – They’re calling it “Grey’s Anatomy with lawyers.” I’m calling it poor timing. I’m sure a show about a bunch of pretty twenty-somethings poised to make millions off the plight of others will do great in this economy. But what do I know? I write about TV for free. Premieres Jan 21
Undercover Boss (CBS) – Look people, if you quit watching these lame reality shows, the networks will actually have to hire some real production crews and writing teams to make some quality programming. Promote the economy, don’t watch this show. Premieres Feb. 7
Parenthood (NBC) – This show employs what I like to call the shotgun method of producing, basically you load up a movie or TV show with as many recognizable names as you can and hope you hit something. This one stars Craig T. Nelson, Lauren Graham, Dax Shepard, and Erika Christensen and is based on the 1989 Ron Howard film of the same name. I’m sure people will watch this, but I’m still upset about the whole Leno-sticking-around debacle and the fact that they cancelled Southland just so Leno didn’t throw a temper tantrum and will probably just move him back after the Olympics anyway. If they screw Conan, I’m calling for an NBC boycott. Who’s with me? Premieres March 1
The Marriage Ref (NBC) – Another lame NBC attempt to pinch pennies rather than produce real shows, this is a reality show about couples having stupid arguments that need TV to settle them. And we wonder why people are smuggling explosives in their underwear. Watch this show and the terrorists win. Premieres March 14
Justified (FX) – This show’s on cable and I usually stick to network TV, but cable is quickly turning into the only way to find good TV these days. Justified stars Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood, Die Hard 4) as a sharpshooting US Marshall in his hometown Kentucky. Think of it as a modern spaghetti-Western with Timothy Olyphant as the modern-day Clint Eastwood. Premieres March
Returning Shows that Should Already be on your Radar:
24 (Fox) – As ridiculous as this show is getting, there’s still nothing like sitting down to watch Kiefer Sutherland run around, shooting guns and torturing bad guys for an hour to get the blood pumping. It’s good, old-fashioned, American fun. Premieres Jan 17
Flash Forward (ABC) – This was my favorite drama of the Fall, and I’m mainly including it here because it comes back so late in the season. I just hope they don’t stretch this blackout out too long. Premieres March 4
V (ABC) – It’s all been done before, but I can’t stop watching. It’s just very well done. Another late starter. Premieres March 30
Glee (Fox) – You know my thoughts on this show. I want more satire and less non-plot-moving musical interludes, but there’s worse out there. Premieres April 13
Project Runway (Lifetime) – This one is only here so Megan knows when it starts. That and it’s one of the few “real” competition shows out there. There’s no time for pointless drama when Tim Gunn has you running around NYC (yes, they’re back in NYC) to design a dress for the likes of Nicole Richie. Premieres Jan 14
Southland (TNT) – NBC cancelled it so that Leno could move to 10pm and ruin the ratings of local news across the country and TNT picked up all the episodes already shot. They’ll start by airing all the episodes from the first season and go straight into the new season. This was my favorite drama of last year. Let’s hope TNT picks up more episodes. Premieres Jan 12
Lost (ABC) – NBC should take note, this is how you experiment with television programming and succeed. The Lost writers had an ending in mind almost from the very beginning and this season, we’ll see it. What is the island? Will they ever really get off? Will J.J. Abrams work in any cast members from Felicity? All of these questions have been promised answers in this, the final season of Lost. I hope FlashForward follows suit and gives us viewers a definite ending to look forward to. Premieres Feb 2
Every Fall, a crop of new TV shows comes out with a suck ratio of 5 to 1 and every Spring, some helpless, innocent show gets pushed into oncoming traffic because you aren’t watching it. That’s right, I’m blaming you. It’s all your fault. You obviously don’t know how to watch TV, so this Fall I’m going to tell you which among the pile of steaming dog poo they call new programming you should be watching.
New Shows:
Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) – Jenna Elfman gets knocked up by a younger man, sit-com ensues. Yes, you have seen this before. No, you should not watch this. Premieres Sep. 21.
Trauma (NBC) – If the promos are any indication, this show is about explosions and their relationship with emergency workers. Skip it and watch some quality Michael Bay explosions instead. Premieres Sep. 28.
The Jay Leno Show (NBC) – The only reason NBC agreed to try this little experiment is because it was much cheaper than having to continue to search out quality original programming season after season. In short, if you watch this show, you are killing television as we know it. All the best shows are already running off to cable. I personally don’t enjoy paying for television, so do not let this happen! Do me a favor and wait an hour for Conan. The writing is much better anyway. Or better yet, watch Conan on Hulu so they know you’re watching. And if you know any Nielsen families, block this program from their TV. Original programming is at stake. We must make a stand. Television fans of the world unite! Premiered Sep. 14.
Shark Tank (ABC) – It has nothing to do with sharks, at least not the cool kind. It’s a bunch of Joe Shmoes with get-rich-quick schemes pitching them to five rich dudes (Sharks). The fact that they’re trying to ride the coattails of Shark Week’s popularity is reason enough for me not to watch this show. You should do the same. Premieres Sep. 29.
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – Yes, they made another one. This one’s got Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool J. Does that mean it will be any different than the other one? Absolutely not. Look, if you keep watching these unoriginal crime dramas, they’ll keep making spin-offs. It’s your own dumb fault, America. Premieres Sep. 22.
The Good Wife (CBS) – This one’s about the wife of some scandalous politician who was just outed to the press. Just because it’s timely doesn’t mean it’s good, let alone accurate. Watch it if you’re into that sort of thing. Premieres Sep. 22.
Melrose Place (CW) – Yes, they brought it back. No, you shouldn’t watch it. Premiered Sep. 8.
Hank (ABC) – Kelsey Grammer tries his hand at another sit-com that isn’t Frasier. Friends don’t let friends watch lame ABC sit-coms. Premieres Sep. 30.
The Middle (ABC) – Patricia Heaton and the Scrubs Janitor star in a sit-com about a blue-collar family with oddball kids. I have a feeling hijinks might ensue. Do not watch. Premieres Sep. 30.
Modern Familly (ABC) – Ed Bundy robbed the cradle with Sofia Vergara at the behest of his ex, Shelley Long. That’s seriously the premise of this show. Premieres Sep. 23.
Cougar Town (ABC) – If Monica divorced Chandler, was now 40+, and had her own show, it would be Cougar Town. Now I ask you this, did you watch Friends just for Monica? Yeah, didn’t think so. Premieres Sep. 23.
Eastwick (ABC) – A modern drama about Witches. I’m going to tell you not to watch it just because ABC has wasted so much of my time with their crappy new shows. Premieres Sep. 23.
Mercy (NBC) – An Iraq-war veteran becomes a cranky nurse at a busy hospital. It wants to be Nurse Jackie, but looks more like a poor man’s Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy is already pretty poor. Premieres Sep. 23.
Glee (Fox) – This show could really be a whole lot more. They take the singing segments way too seriously. It’s original though, and funny enough, plus there’s absolutely nothing else to watch on Wednesday, so go ahead and watch it. Premiered Sep. 9.
The Beautiful Life (CW) – It’s produced by Ashton Kutcher, it’s about a bunch of pretty white girls, and it’s on the CW. As far as I’m concerned, that’s three strikes. Premiered Sep. 16.
FlashForward (ABC) – This one looks good. The world blacks out and everyone gets glimpses of their own future. They spend the show trying to figure it all out. It’s produced by David S. Goyer, who wrote The Dark Knight, Batman Begins, and Dark City. This is a guy with serious Sci-Fi cred. My interest is piqued. Premieres Sep. 24.
Community (NBC) – This show has all the ingredients for a tasty treat, and the pilot didn’t fall short. I’m in. Premiered Sep. 17.
The Vampire Diaries (CW) – If you watch these Twilight/True Blood spawns, the terrorists win. Premiered Sep. 10.
Southland (NBC) – Technically not a new show, but they gave it the death toll of a Friday time slot and it’s a great show, so I’m putting it here. This was the best crime drama on TV last season, if not the best drama on network TV. Watch this show and kidnap a Nielsen family and make them watch it. Premieres Oct. 23.
Brothers (Fox) – Oh, brother. Premieres Sep. 25.
The Cleveland Show (Fox) – Family Guy jumped the shark a long time ago and Cleveland was far from the funniest character. You do the math. Premieres Sep. 27.
So there you have it, the only new shows really worth watching are Glee, FlashForward, Community, and Southland. I was going to tell you what you should already be watching, but I wasted a lot of time writing this. I did manage to save you hours of brain-rotting trauma, so you’re welcome.
Let me start off by saying I love NBC. It is by far the station I watch the most during the year. They have a vast majority of my favorite shows and are generally pretty relevant with their news programs. That is why I was so surprised they dropped the ball like they did with their Olympic coverage.
Last night Megan and I rushed home from dinner with friends to make sure we caught the Women’s Gymnastic Finals, Megan’s favorite event in the Olympics. We got home, turned on the TV, and luckily it hadn’t started yet. We then went on to check our email and work on some projects on our computers while we waited for the event. I had just stepped into the office when Megan shouted, “I’m seeing results online, why aren’t they showing it on TV?”
I checked it out, and sure enough, NBC was posting live scores to their website, but we were seeing Men’s Beach Volleyball on the TV. The local coverage was being delayed to adjust for the time zone. I looked around NBC.com for a live feed, but nothing. They offered no live feeds online of their primetime events. I looked around the internet for other live feeds. CBC was clever enough to block their internet feed to users outside of Canada. I tried a YouTube hack Jesse shared from Valleywag, but YouTube had since patched the hole. Frustrated, I finally went back to NBC.com to send them an email and in doing so, I saw the results of the very event I was trying to watch posted on their main page! Ridiculous.
Luckily, Megan hadn’t seen the results (although the swimming results were spoiled for her by the CNN feed on her home page), so we stayed up to watch the delayed coverage, but every time I saw that “Live” bug in the top right corner of the screen, my blood boiled.
I took this picture at 10:40pm Pacific time. At this point, the US is warming up for their first event, but in reality, the event has long been completed, and I have already seen the results. Notice the “Live” bug floating prominently next to the NBC Olympic logo. There’s no indication anywhere that this “Live” feed has been delayed to compensate for time differences.
This is unacceptable. No other live sports coverage is handled this way. They would never dream of doing this with Football. Why did they decide to delay the mother of all international sporting events? It doesn’t make any sense.
I was okay with the delayed Opening Ceremonies, I am okay with the small amount of events available to watch on NBC. I am okay with them spreading the coverage over their partner stations and the internet. I am even okay with them breaking for commercials. I understand that they are still trying to make money. What I am not okay with is delaying a live feed just to put the coverage in line with the local primetime slot. No other sporting event is handled this way, not even Nascar.
I did not check to see if this problem just affected Las Vegas or if it stretched across the entire Pacific Time Zone, so please, leave a comment if you’ve noticed the delay in your area too. If it has, send an email over to NBC to complain along with me.
Update: Gizmodo has some workarounds that might help you get a live stream online. Let me know if any of these work. I’ve lost all faith in NBC.
I don’t consider myself a lucky man, but I’m not altogether unlucky either. Some people are lucky at cards; others are lucky with women; I’m lucky with soda.
I don’t know when it started, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve had the uncanny ability to pick out the 20oz soda that will earn me a free soda. I used to go to the gas station with my friends relying on this ability. We’d pool our money together for one soda, I’d pick it out, and sure enough, I’d win another soda for my friend. I can’t even begin to count the amount of 20oz beverages I’ve won over the years. Lately though, I feel like my gift is starting to fade.
Last weekend, Megan and I went up to Utah to do some shooting for a video assignment. On the way back, we stop at a gas station and I pick up a Dr. Pepper. I unscrew the cap and check the inside as I always do and I see a message a lot like the one in the picture above. “Sweet!” I think to myself, “It happened again!”
Now, usually when there’s a winning message like that on the inside of a bottle cap, it means I’ve won a free soda. But this time, I see no indication anywhere on the cap or bottle to tell me what exactly I’ve won.
I get home and get online as I usually do, and eventually remember the cap I left sitting somewhere. I find it and head over to DrPepper.com to enter the code, all the while thinking I’ll be able to print out some sort of coupon for a free soda. I fill out the registration form and punch in the numbers when this screen pops up:
Computer Wallpaper. That’s my prize. No free soda, just some ugly, fabricated, over-produced piece of promotional filth to stick on my computer and give them free advertising. I don’t think Shia LeBouf even carries a sword at any point in that movie. He just flips around that knife all movie long. I was so upset, I didn’t even bother saving the actual image.
Apparently I just became internet famous. This is a little weird. My friend, Nate was stumbling and came across the picture above on this website. After a little Googling, I found it again here. The weird thing is that the only place I have this picture posted is on Facebook.
Someone must have ripped it from there, added a little text, and submitted it to the fail blog. I wonder who it was. I figured I’d repost it here so that I get a little credit for the picture. Here’s what happened:
So there we were, driving through the middle of nowhere, Wyoming, when out of nowhere we got ambushed by a rogue wind. The back end started to slide right, I calmly said, “Here we go,” and turned the wheel to correct, it slid back left, and I suddenly remembered the 18-wheeler we passed not too long ago that was sure to be barreling toward us. I saw the edge of the road and decided that’s where I wanted to be. Off we slid, I pumped the brake once, the back end swung right, off the road, and behind us, and next thing I knew, we were perched 5 feet in the air.
We were going maybe 25 mph, more likely less when it happened, no tickets were issued, and there was absolutely no damage whatsoever to the car. We followed the tow truck towing the trailer to the nearest Uhaul, stayed the night, and swapped out the trailer the next day. It was relatively painless since I bought the insurance on the trailer, although I did have to completely repack it. The only major damage done was to a Wal-Mart particle board entertainment center, but the entire contents was covered by the insurance.
It took 2 tow trucks to un-perch us from the trailer. Luckily, I had my video camera with me.
It was crazy, after getting un-stuck, we sat on the freeway for like 5 hours waiting for them to clear all the toppled semis and wrecked cars off the freeway. Apparently they closed the freeway right after we passed the last closing point. Just too much wind on a snowy day. Hooray for failing!
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