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The Top 5 TV Shows I Hate the Most

5. Deal or No Deal – This entire show is built solely around the wonder and suspense of opening boxes under a bunch of flashy lights and somehow it has millions of viewers. I don’t get it. Meanwhile, Howie Mandel, fresh of the amazing success of Bobby’s World, teases the viewers before every commercial and now every game show this side of The Price is Right is following in his footsteps like some mangy mutt chasing the garbage man. “What’s in this box? … We’ll find out, after this.” Oh, Howie, you got me again.

4. Mad TV – Mad TV is like the redheaded cousin of the half sister of the stepchild of Saturday Night Live. With one difference, this one deserves its beating. I can’t stand any show that uses a laugh track, but this one earns a special spot on this list because it’s been on for about 18 years too long. Oh look, there’s a grown man acting like a two-year-old. Hilarious! Seriously, who writes these skits? My little sister came up with better material at her 5th grade talent show. Of course, these are the guys that go on to star in such comic gems as Soul Plane, or Scary Movie 23.5. We get it already, Michael Jackson likes little boys. Hilarious and timely.

3. American Idol – This show’s been on for about 23 years now, it’s still the show to beat in the ratings, and they haven’t changed one thing since its inception, including the excuses all the guys give their boys who make fun of them for watching the show that spawned such media masterpieces as Dancing with the Stars and America’s Next Top Model. “I just like the part where Simon makes fun of the people that can’t sing.” You’re right, that was funny the first time I saw it, but now we’re on take 432 and he’s making fun of the same fat greasy-haired emo fan that he was in season 2. How many ways can you tell people they suck? Like the kid who licks the Tootsie Roll Pop all the way to the center, Simon’s going to find out.. Just bite the thing and get it over with already. The only reason to watch this show anymore is to see Ryan Seacrest spiral downward into a sea of self-loathing every time he spikes his hair and smiles as Simon slanders him incessantly for being a spineless stooge. What’s going to happen this season? Let me venture a guess. It’ll come down to the final 2, but the favorite will barely edge out number 2 and they’ll both launch a music career that everyone will forget about by the next season. In the end, Reality TV will be responsible for the downfall of modern civilization and Simon Cowell will be at the wheel.

2. SpongeBob Squarepants – Remember when I said Reality TV would be the downfall of modern civilization? I lied. SpongeBob Squarepants is much more powerful than Simon Cowell will ever be. He’s got an army of mindless minions that stretch from the age of 2 to the age of 52. I was at a hockey game the other night and they played the theme song during a lull, I was easily the only one in the entire arena not shouting along with glee. Parents, kids, grandparents, cousins, and even a couple seeing-eye dogs that hadn’t cheered after a single goal were shouting at the top of their lungs at the command of some animated sea captain. It was scary. People wonder why so many Americans are diagnosed with ADD before the age of 3, but they don’t hesitate to plant their little brats in front of the TV for 30 minutes a day to watch the seizure inducing, plot-less wonder that is SpongeBob Squarepants. I tried to watch a full episode a couple of times, but it gave me such a headache I was bedridden for a week. What happened to the days when life was like a mystery, or when sometimes some crimes went slipping through the cracks, or when Rafael was cool but rude and Michelangelo was a party dude? When was the last time a cartoon taught kids anything other than blind obedience to a faceless sea captain? I fear for America’s future.

1. CSI – This show is so successful it’s got like 3 spin-offs and its own cereal. I have watched this show like 8 times and have yet to be unable to solve the case within the first 10 minutes. There’s about 3 different formulas they cycle through as they search for the killers, but then they try to disguise this fact with a bunch of cheesy special effects where they go inside bullet wounds and follow gerbils as they make their way through the small intestine. Meanwhile, Bruckheimer’s got his trusty band of strings and horns tugging at the heartstrings of housewives across the nation as they watch Nick Stokes and his crack team of Crime Scene masterminds uncover the dastardly deeds of abusive husbands and serial rapists. I hired my own crack team to investigate the rampant stupidity in modern High Schools and they followed a gerbil all the way back to this show. I hate this show because it makes stupid people think they’re smart. “I knew it was him the whole time!” Yeah, way to go Sherlock, I said the same thing when Scooby Doo led those darn kids to the old mill. Retarded.